Peer Review – Savvy Essay Writers |


Peer Review – Savvy Essay Writers |

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Directions for Peer Review of the Third Submission

Here are the questions to address:

1) What is the main idea of each paragraph? Write each one down for each paragraph (like a miniature outline). Make a note about where a paragraph seems to have no clear main idea or two or more main ideas. Now, do the ideas flow one to the next or do they seem randomly placed? In other words, do the ideas all hold together or do the ideas seem jumbled and unfocused?

2) How does the draft follow from the thesis statement found at the top of the draft? In other words, describe the connect you see between the thesis statement and the argument so far?

3) Are there any paragraphs that don’t seem to use the “they say/I say” form? Which ones? Any instances where the “they say/I say” structure works realy well?

4) There is always a danger that the source material (the research) is used only weakly — in generalities or as mere (as in unsupported) opinion. What are the specific and concrete ideas used by the writer from his/her source material? Where do see research used without specifics?

5) Notice where the writer uses quotes (if any). Do the quotes actually follow the ideas that the paragraph is about? How does the quote relate logically to the sentences around it (if it does)? How does the writer offer an interpretation of the quote after the quote? If he or she doesn’t, be sure to note that.

6) Anything else you’d like to add or mention?


Jacob Heselschwerdt

Central Thesis: “Young children exposed to smartphones before they reach kindergarten are more likely to develop cognitive conditions such as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)”

Confirmation (continued):

Just how prevalent is the usage of tablets and smartphones by adolescent children, and why should it be a concern for individual societies and families? According to a study commissioned by the Internet security company AVG in 2010, “most children ages two and three are not yet able to swim, tie their shoelaces, or make breakfast unaided, but they do know how to turn a computer on and off and navigate with a mouse” (Geist 58). The same study revealed that 44 percent of children ages two and three could play online games with a tablet, and nearly a quarter children of this age could make a call with a cell phone. It is reasonable to assume that as new technologies are developed and disseminated throughout society, they are therefore more easily accessed by children. But smartphones and tablets provide a certain type of technology and require interactions that are specifically designed to make their usage easier, and therefore more attractive to young children. First, consider traditional desktop personal computers and laptops. According to Geist “traditional keyboard-based devices such as desktop computers and laptops require a certain level of fine motor development to use the keyboard, along with a certain level of cognitive development to understand the symbols on the keyboard” (59). If children have yet to learn the alphabet, or do not have the motor skills to manipulate a keyboard or mouse, then they would not be cognitively or physically able to use a traditional personal computer. Tablets and smartphones, through the use of their touchscreens and other interactive features, allow children of very young ages to bypass the necessary cognitive and motor skills that were previously needed to use computer technologies. With children able to access the technology of computers and the internet at younger and younger ages, the dangers of tablet and smartphone usage must be of upmost concern for parents.

Despite the possible links between early usage of tablet and smartphone technology and an increased prevalence of ADHD and ADD, there is a conflicting view of the role that technology can play for children affected by attention related disorders. One viewpoint is that computer-based technologies are a “potentially effective tool for working with children with ADHD” (Xu et al. 224). Children who suffer from ADHD “typically demonstrate poor cognitive organization and social skill deficits” (Xu et al. 232). Certain computer technology applications, specifically computer-assisted cognitive training, or CACT, have been show to potentially offer benefits to children with ADHD. Computer-assisted cognitive training not only offers ways for children to organize their thoughts and behaviors, but it can be personalized for each individual case, providing tailored programs specifically for an individual child’s needs (Xu et al. 232). While the potential benefits of technologies such as computer-assisted cognitive training should not be overlooked, the potential downfalls of using them should also be considered. Since it is very likely that the prevalence of ADHD and ADD cases is rising with the increased usage of technology in young children, caution should be exercised when treating these cases with more technology. Just like treating the heroin addict by giving them methadone or other narcotics, treating children with ADHD by giving them more technology may not be directly addressing the real root cause of their problems.

Works Cited

Geist, Eugene. “Toddlers Through Preschool: Using Tablet Computers With Toddlers and Young Preschoolers.” YC Young Children, vol. 69, no. 1, 2014, pp. 58–63. JSTOR,

Xu, Chunzhen, et al. “Technology Applications for Children with ADHD: Assessing the Empirical Support.” Education and Treatment of Children, vol. 25, no. 2, 2002, pp. 224– 248. JSTOR,


James McCullough

Thesis: Cyberbullying leads to depression and suicide of teens

People who cyberbully usually are a product of their environment which they are abused, they are often also abused physically or verbally and a lot of times are cyberbullied themselves. They work in groups a lot that way so they feel safer and stronger, they often do not enjoy bullying others but they do it to make up for the abuse they have been receiving. They do not want to stray away from the group because then they believe they will also be cyber bullied. Research shows that the bully is actually more depressed then the victim of the bullying. Cyber bullies get a false feeling of satisfaction and relief when they are sending hurtful messages or harmful pictures to others. Their main goal is to feel powerful, they want to control the situation and feel dominate towards others. In doing so, they make others feel terrible to actually make themselves feel better. Cyberbullying shows the ugly part of the internet; such a useful tool can in fact be used wrongly. A lot of people do not believe the internet is dangerous and is very capable of hurting someone at any time. Cyberbullying has many negative effects on victims, in the beginning victims feel confused. They feel hurt and confused and do not understand why a person or a group of people targeted them and are intentionally hurting them for no reason. A lot of victims ask “why me”, most bullies truly do not know why. They tend to pick on the easy targets that will not fight back, that way they feel powerful. Victims start to develop loneliness and fear; they do not want to leave their rooms and are scared to go to school. Sometimes victims start to develop paranoia and become socially awkward and have trouble communicating with peers and making friends. Then the victims tend to feel hopeless, they do not know where to turn or who to talk to. The real question is how do we stop cyberbullying from happening? Some people believe ignoring the bully, do not respond to their messages but that is not always easy if you are hurt from what they sent you. Some people believe that victims should tell their parents or counselor, victims often feel scared and helpless and do not want to piss off the bully even more. So victims often stay quiet and hold in their emotions which is the problem, they feel as they cannot talk to anyone about what is going on , which sometimes escalates into victims thinking the only option is suicide. Is there actually a way to stop cyberbullying from happening to any more teens? Experts believe that cyberbullying is responsible for many of the social, depression and anxiety problems kids live with. Teenagers tend to believe that cyberbullying is not a problem because nothing is real it is on the internet and should not be taken serious. They do not think what they doing is a big deal but you never know what a person is going through. Teens are immature and do not understand the damage and pain that cyberbullying is causing. You often here teens say” I was just messing around” but who knows how the person getting picked on will take it, or what they are dealing with in their lives. Although cyber bullying is less physical than other forms of bullying, it still is very destructive and has longer lasting effects. Once something is put on the internet it can never be fully taken off or unseen from tons of people. That is why parents stress to kids to watch what they put it on social media, you can delete it but it will never fully be gone. It is also easier to cyberbully than other forms of bullying, you can log on to a computer and just ruin someone’s day and mental state in one message or picture post. Online anyone can be a bully, even those who are typically picked on in real life; you can be small and weak. You can hide behind a computer screen and still pick on someone, where as in person those people will often not bother anyone. Computers may be faceless but is just as threatening and harmful as traditional bullying, if not even worse because there is a big audience reading and seeing the bullying on social media. There is no escaping from cyberbullying. Fake profiles and hidden identities make it hard sometimes for cyber bullies to be traced and find out who it is. Most states have cyberbullying provisions in their bullying laws because it has become such a big issue in society. Also many schools are starting policies to address cyber bullying; they put a block on websites in schools to protect kids from entering those sites and getting cyberbullied. They closely monitor student’s use of computers in school to avoid it as well. Even with all the laws and policies being implemented it is still difficult to get rid of cyber bullying completely because of the fake profiles and teens who do not report it. Parents and teachers are still not fully aware of the effects of cyberbullying; they do not know the signs of it, or how to avoid their kids from being targeted. It is hard to keep tabs on teens with all the new technology and social media sites that come about. Most teens do not like to talk to parents or teachers about their problems so it makes it difficult for anyone to help them in return.

Ansary, Nadia S., et al. “Best Practices to Address (or Reduce) Bullying in Schools.” The Phi Delta Kappan, vol. 97, no. 2, 2015, pp. 30–35. JSTOR,

Beale, Andrew V., and Kimberly R. Hall. “Cyberbullying: What School Administrators (And Parents) Can Do.” The Clearing House, vol. 81, no. 1, 2007, pp. 8–12. JSTOR,

Froeschle, Janet G., et al. “Strategies to Prevent and Heal the Mental Anguish Caused by Cyberbullying.” Middle School Journal, vol. 39, no. 4, 2008, pp. 30–35. JSTOR, JSTOR,

Valkenburg, Patti M., and Jochen Peter. “Social Consequences of the Internet for Adolescents: A Decade of Research.” Current Directions in Psychological Science, vol. 18, no. 1, 2009, pp. 1–5. JSTOR,


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